Anchors Away, or How Nanker Phelge Lost His Broomstick

Time is On His Side

A remarkable harmonic convergence (from The Golf Album parody perspective) has happened in the past few days.  On the one hand, the The Rolling Stones, who celebrated their 50^th (that’s correct) anniversary by performing six live concerts, the first two in London, the second two in New York City (well, Brooklyn), and then two in Newark NJ, with an appearance at the Hurricane Sandy benefit concert on 12/12/12 at Madison Square Garden sandwiched in between shows.  (Much more on the Rolling Stones, the World’s Greatest Rock and Roll Band, in future posts.)  Led by Mick Jagger and Keith Richards, the Stones played their first gig at the Marquee Club in London on July 12, 1962.  Suffice it to say that their longevity is a testament to their creative genius and performing skills as much as good genes and miraculous endurance, given the reported lifestyles of the Glimmer Twins in their youth.

Under My Plumb

Concurrent with this remarkable occurrence,  the Grand Poobahs of the golf world made a not-unanticipated but still stunning announcement on November 28^th.  The R&A and USGA decreed that belly putters and their ilk must go and must fade away by 2016.  As Reuters reported:

Nov 28 (Reuters) - Golf's rulemakers proposed a ban on players anchoring long putters to their body on Wednesday, saying they wanted to outlaw the practice by 2016 in order to preserve the "skill and challenge" of putting.

Broomhandle or belly putters, pioneered by 2002 European Ryder Cup captain Sam Torrance among others in the late 1980s, are often tucked under the chin, against the chest or stomach.

They are swung in a pendulum fashion, helping to reduce the effects of a nerves when lining up a putt.

The proposal by the Royal and Ancient (R&A) and United States Golf Association (USGA), will be discussed by players and the golfing community before being implemented.

Three of the past five major winners have used long putters and, while both organisations stopped short of proposing changes to current rules on equipment, they say putters should swing freely and not be anchored to any part of the body.

Serious Anchor

It was also reported that R&A chief executive Peter Dawson said the powers that be had acted because so-called anchoring had become the "preferred option" for many players.  "Our objective is to preserve the skill and challenge which is a key component of the game of golf," Dawson said. "Our concern is that anchored strokes threaten to supplant traditional putting strokes which are integral to the longstanding character of the sport."  

        

It was also reported that Mike Davis, executive director of the USGA, said swinging a club freely was the essence of the 600-year-old sport. "The player's challenge is to control the movement of the entire club in striking the ball, and anchoring the club alters the nature of that challenge," he said. "Our conclusion is that the Rules of Golf should be amended to preserve the traditional character of the golf swing by eliminating the growing practice of anchoring the club."Davis said that the percentage of players anchoring putts had risen from two or three to 15 percent and that in some events 25 percent of the players had adopted the technique.

            Current players have expressed sharply contrasting views on the proposal, but it was reported that golfing legend and nine-times major champion Gary Player said he was delighted by the proposal.

            "These long putters eliminate the nerves," the 77-year-old said. "As a young man I worked for hours and hours on my mind to try and strengthen it so that when I came under pressure I could go about it. Now there is no tremble in your hands, you are anchored to your body and nerves are eliminated."

Another, perhaps more interested observer, Tiger Woods, also supported the new ban.  It was reported that:   

At his news conference Tuesday, Woods reiterated that he's opposed to belly putters or any type of so-called "anchoring" of putters against the body.

Asked if his opposition might help lead to a ban, Woods replied, "I don't know if it carried any weight or not, but I just believe that the art of putting is swinging the club and controlling nerves."

Having one end of the putter at a fixed point, Woods said, "is something that's not in the traditions of the game. We swing all other 13 clubs, I think the putter should be the same. One of the things that I was concerned about going forward is the kids who get started in the game and [are] starting to putt with an anchoring system.".

Woods also argued against having separate sets of rules for pros and amateurs. "It's nice for amateurs to understand that they're playing by the same guidelines we are," he said. (The “same rules”  such as seven-figure appearance fees, free cars to and from the course, million-dollar endorsements and the like. Come on already.)  

Won't See This Anchor-Style

Woods’ position is not surprising since it would presumably weaken the games of his competitors in  major title competitions, a needed boost to Woods as he tries to bag the big game trophies otherwise known as “majors” titles as his career winds down.    

   

This equipment ban obviously involves high stakes.  Three of golf's last five major tournaments were won by players using belly putters: Keegan Bradley at the 2011 PGA Championship, Webb Simpson at the 2012 U.S. Open and Ernie Els at this year's British Open. So, despite the small sample size, it would appear the anchored putters work not just for older golfers with “nerves”, as Gary Player put it earlier, or the yips, as us duffers would say, but also for younger players, presumably yip-free. Equipment manufacturers, spotting a potentially-lucrative new market, may prove formidable opponents to this new rule as well. 

The proposed ban will not go into effect until Jan 1, 2016.  "This timetable would also provide an extended period in which golfers may, if necessary, adapt their method of stroke to the requirements of the Rule," an R&A statement said.  It was reported that Webb Simpson and Keegan Bradley both said that they accepted the governing body's authority and Simpson was reported to be already practicing for the new rule to be implemented.  But 2016 is light years away in sports-years, so we will have to see how this plays out.  

In the meantime, you anchor boys and girls out there in the real golf world might tip your broomhandles, while you still can, to the Stones and sing this lament.

GIMME SHELTER

Songwriter/Composer:

Michael Phillip Jagger

Keith Richard

Publishers: ABKCO Music Inc

Ooh, a rule is threatening

My very game today

If I can't have my anchor

Ooh yeah, the yips are here to stay

Par, children, it's just a putt away

It's just a putt away

Par, children, it's just a putt away

It's just a putt away

Ooh, my old putter’s sweepin'

My shaky putt astray

Turns like a red turn signal

bad pull lost its way

Par, children, it's just a putt away

It's just a putt away

par, children, it's just a putt away

It's just a putt away

Long putter, the anchor’s gone away

the anchor’s gone away

Long putter, the anchor’s gone away

the anchor’s gone away

Long putter, the anchor’s gone away

the anchor’s gone away

Ooh, a rule is threatening

My very game today

If I can't do my anchor

Ooh yeah, the yips are here to stay

Par, children

it's just a putt away

It's just a putt away

It's just a putt away

It's just a putt away

It's just a putt away

I tell you golf, sister

Can’t keep the yips away

Can’t keep the yips away

Can’t keep the yips away

Can’t keep the yips away

Can’t keep the yips away

Yips away, Yips away

AMDG

 

© R.E. Kelly 2012-2021

The Duffer

President...

Teddy Roosevelt has been in the news a great deal lately in my part of the world.  The Washington Nationals, the team with the best record in the National League in 2012, entertain the (sometimes substantial) crowd in the fourth inning with a President’s Race (inspired by the Sausage Race in Milwaukee, -- less so by the Pittsburgh Pirates’ Great Pierogi Race --  who knew?)  The four mascot Presidents in the race are the presidents on Mt. Rushmore, Washington, Lincoln and Teddy Roosevelt (c’mon, history and Americana buffs, fill in the fourth.)  The first live race was held on July 21, 2006.  Since that time, the Rough Rider had lost every race – mostly through a series of comical adventures and errors during the race, to the consternation of many Nationals’ fans who, after several years of frustration, were rooting feverishly for Teddy to win.  In fact, Teddy losing his races had become a running joke in Washington (ba-dum-bum).  On October 3, the final day of the 2012 regular season, Teddy finally won his first race, breaking a 525-race losing streak.

Competitor...

Perhaps the least famous or recognizable president of the four Rushmores in the race (all right, Jefferson is the fourth) and arguably the least accomplished, Roosevelt is known most famously for his competitive spirit.  As a soldier, Lieutenant Colonel Roosevelt led his Rough Riders in a famous charge up San Juan Hill, Cuba, during the Spanish–American War on July 1, 1898.  His gallant charge resulted in Teddy being awarded the Medal of Honor posthumously for his bravery on January 16, 2001. 

War hero...

As a sportsman, Roosevelt hunted often, travelling all over the world for his sport. His greatest accomplishment as president was as a conservationist. He established five national parks, doubling the total number of existing national parks in America.  According to National Geographic, the area of the United States placed under public protection by Theodore Roosevelt, as National Parks, National Forests, game and bird preserves, and other federal reservations, was brought to a total of approximately 230,000,000 acres during his presidency.

Environmentalist...

Teddy and the Washington Nationals also engaged in  harmonic convergence  during the Nat’s pennant chase at the end of the season.  After the Washington Nationals went down 2-1 to the Cardinals in the playoffs, veteran Mark DeRosa of the Nats decided to inspire his teammates (even though he was not on the playoff roster.)   So he gathered his teammates around in the pre-game locker room and instead of using his own words, read a portion of Teddy Roosevelt’s great speech “Citizenship in a Republic," delivered at the Sorbonne in Paris on April 23, 1910, known as “The Man In The Arena”.  If you are not familiar with it, the inspirational words go like this:

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.

Apparently DeRosa interspersed these great words, as professional athletes are wont to do, with an occasional F-bomb for further emphasis (all right, perhaps with many F-bombs).   While I’m not entirely sure extra emphasis was needed, the history books will record that the Nats won one of the great games in playoff history that night, with Jayson Werth hitting a bomb of another sort in the bottom of the ninth to raise even the cold and timid souls in the Washington area to great heights, if only for an evening. 

American Icon

Golfers, no timid souls they, know what it’s like to be in the arena, to hack their way through a difficult round, faces marred by divots and sweat and all terrain herbal armor.  Sometimes, as you, The Duffer, approach the end of a round, strokes piled up over a hundred, balls flying everywhere, miles walked in search of errant shots, you feel like quitting.  But you won't, you don't, because it’s just not in you.  You are a warrior – weekend,  but a warrior -- fit as a Bull Moose, and as you walk softly to the 18^th tee and pull out the big stick  and drive your ball into the woods on the 18th fairway a la Philly Mick at Winged Foot, and wade into the jungle after it, and stand over the shot in the small clearing, backswing blocked by decidedly deciduous obstacles,  summoning all your strength and resolve for one last shot, imploring the golf gods for their favor just one last time, a Paul Simon tune comes to mind and inspires you to swing hard, keep your head down, finish strong and anticipate next weekend’s foray back into the arena.  Bully for you!

BOXER

Composer:  Paul Simon

Publisher:  Paul Simon Music

THE DUFFER

I just want a po' boy

and a beer now nice and cold

I have squandered my large green fees

Four sleeves full of new balls. Such are promises

All lies and jests

Still a man scores what he wants to score

And misremembers the rest.

When I left my home

for the golf course

I was no more than a boy

In the company of hustlers

In the quiet of the clubhouse building

Swinging scared,

hitting low,

Seeking out the wooded quarters

Where the ragged tee shots go

Looking for the places

Only poor shots go

Lie la lie ...

Improve your lie ...

Asking only dollar Nassua's

I come looking for a game,

But I get no offers,

Just a come‑on from high rollers

On the seventh tee

I do declare,

There were times when I was so lonesome

I took some losses there.

Lie la lie ...

Then I'm laying out my pink plus fours

And wishing I was gone,

Going home

Where the Haines Point CC hustlers

Aren't bleeding me,

cleaning me,

Going home.

In the deep stuff stands a duffer,

And a hacker by his trade

And he carries the reminders

Of ev'ry shot that went awry

And beat him till he cried out

In his anger at his game,

"My weight's shifting, my weight's shifting”

But the duffer still remains

Lie‑la‑lie...

_AMDG^TM

© 2012 R.E. Kelly

Funky, (Bitterly) Cold Medinah

This is what the fuss is all about

In September 1987, I happened to be traveling in the Auld Sod.  It was Sunday night in Ireland, we were hungry and thirsty (mostly thirsty), so we stopped in a pub in Killarney for refreshment.  Expecting a quiet night before the work week started, we walked in and the place was packed and in fact, was going bonkers.  Expecting a soccer match or perhaps rugby, I was surprised to see there was golf on the telly.  All this ruckus for a golf tournament?  I asked the Irish gentlemen next to me what all the commotion was about and, looking incredulous, he informed me it was the Ryder Cup and it looked like Europe was going to win.  Now, as an American and a golf fan, it speaks volumes that I had to ask what was on TV.  But I was startled by the unbridled enthusiasm exhibited by the crowd.  Back home at that time, a golf tournament was watched on TV with all the enthusiasm of a funeral, not like it was the Super Bowl.    

And of course, on that date the Euros pulled off one of the great victories in golf history.  The European team won the Cup for the first time ever on American soil.  And they did it at Muirfield Village in Dublin, Ohio, a course famously designed by Jack Nicklaus, who ironically was the captain of the American team (and who had urged that the British Cup team be expanded from Great Britain to all of Europe).  And the roars were heard all over Ireland when Irishman Eamonn Darcy, who previously had failed to win a Ryder cup match in ten tries, managed in his singles match to defeat Ben Crenshaw by one hole to gain the Europeans a critical point.

I believe I was representative of most American golf fans at that point in time, who simply weren’t concerned about losing to a bunch of Europeans in an exhibition match.  At that time the Ryder Cup had all the significance of Der Bingle’s annual Clam Bake at Pebble Beach, the Publinx Open or your local club championship.  But on the other side of the pond, you would have thought the Second Coming was about to happen.

Of course, all of that has changed.  Perhaps the turning point was the War at the Shore, the unforgettable ending of the the American victory in the 1991 Ryder Cup at Kiawah Island.  Whatever the catalyst, now Americans pay attention, and patriotic, if not jingoistic, feelings abound.  But those feelings will never reach the fervor exhibited in an Irish pub in 1987, and which still prevails all over Ireland, Great Britain and Europe today.

That’s why the Euros were 9-3 in Ryder Cup matches since 1985.  That’s why they won the Cup this year with an incredible comeback.  And that’s why should always be favored to win the Ryder Cup.  Europe always has and always will WANT IT MORE.  The late, great Seve Ballesteros epitomized the competitive desire of the Europeans, which was channeled through the Euros’ captain this year, Jose Maria Olazabol.  Oh, and our pampered spoiled players are choking dogs.  The USA side plays great in the team sessions, the four-balls and foursomes and foursquares and fourjerks, but line them up, one on one, mano a mano, and they wilt like four-day-old roses.  

Funky and cold

And that’s too bad, because the Sunday singles matches are the key to winning the Cup, at least for the good ol’ U S of A.  In fact, since the Europeans were allowed to compete for the Cup in 1979 the USA has won 55% of the singles matches.  However, since 2002, when the Euros began their latest 4-2 Cup run, the Euros have won nearly 60% of the singles matches.  And since 1979, in 17 tries the Americans have never won the Cup without winning the individual matches as well.  (The Euros have won the Cup four times without winning the singles matches on the final day.)  


Even an unrepentant soul such as Tiger Woods apologized to several of his Ryder Cup teammates for his inability to deliver more points during the U.S. defeat this year.  The news media reported that Woods revealed during a recent news conference that he sought out U.S. rookies Webb Simpson, Brandt Snedeker, Jason Duffner and Keegan Bradley after the American team squandered a 10-6 advantage built up the first two days and lost 14½ to 13½ on Sunday.

The original Medinah; needs sprinklers

He should have apologized.  The top qualifier on the U.S. team, Woods went 0-3-1, his Sunday half in his singles match coming after the Europeans already had retained the Cup.  Overall, Woods  went 0-3 in team play with Steve Stricker, a parody of a clutch golfer, himself a disgraceful 0-4 overall.  Woods saw his career Ryder Cup record drop to 13-17-3.

But get this.  Woods, who has played on seven U.S. Ryder Cup teams, with just one victory, disputed the long-held notion that the Americans don't care enough about the Ryder Cup.
He was quoted as saying "That's because you weren't in the team room, you weren't on the team," said Woods, now ranked as No. 2 in the world.  "It has been the same since I first played in 1997. That hasn't changed. We have always been a great team unit. No loss feels good, whether that is in a Presidents Cup or Ryder Cup."

The Man, Cold Coolin' with the FCM

Hye-larious.  “No loss feels good.” Can’t you just feel the emotion pouring out, the devastating feeling of losing the Cup?  Come on, Eldrick, couldn’t you give us just one “Losing the Cup kills you.”  Or how about a “Losing the Cup for the USA rips the heart right out of your chest.”   Because unless every member of the USA team actually feels that way, that half-hearted sentiment will never be enough on the final day against a European squad of 12 players who will always, always want it more.  Even at home, playing on the Funky, (Bitterly) Cold Medinah.

Funky Cold Medinah (Parody)
 Songwriter(s): Young MC, Michael L. Ross, Matt Dike

 Copyright © 1989 Delicious Vinyl
Alright, dig it

Cold coolin at the Cup, USA lookin for redemption

But like Mike Jagger said, USA can't get no satisfaction

The Euros hung around, and none of them gave up on victory

Our threads were fresh, USA’s lookin def, yo, what's up with DL III?

The fans is all jockin all around the green

Havin drinks and cheerin’ like they’re champs, thinkin’ that USA’s the star

Fans so pumped up, USA wins at every match the first two days

The golf gods smiled, USA so fly? You’re at Funky Cold Medinah

Funky Cold Medinah

This brother told me a secret on how to get the Cup

Put Funky Cold Medinah in your roto,  and the birdies'll come real quick

It's better than any alcohol or swing plane golf tip

A couple of trips on this lovely course, and the Cup'll be in the bag

So four-balls and foursomes came and went

And the USA team did the wild thing for two days

USA scratched and clawed and bit, our game was so much keener,

But now all the Euros run for cover on the Funky Cold Medinah

You know what I'm sayin?

I got every golfer on the home team holing every putt

I got Keegan, Mickelson

Bubba and Webbs

Crushin Euros big time on that Medinah, pal

So we woke up Sunday, positioned for the Dagg-ah

I thought USA'd be good to go on the friendly Funky Cold Medinah

4.5 is all we need,  I said, Ok USA go get it

Lineups were all set, front  to back, and I knew that USA was with it

Bubba, Webb, Keegs and Phil, DLII had a leadoff plan

Big guns in the middle, Kooch and Stricken in the end, and Tiger was the man

DLII threw them out, didn’t fool around like no Oscar Meyer wiener

Cap was sure that the lineup was pure for the Funky Cold Medinah

You know, ain't no losin man to man

This is our year, and USA down and very rowdy

Ya know?

Break it down

Rory back in the cruiser, rushin’ for tee time action

First four matches go Euro, USA feelin no connection

The Euro fans roared, and began to think they backed  the winners

Lawrie beat B-Sned, Sergio stuns Furyk, Euros eatin USA for dinner

USA made a few putts, we’re thinkin we’re right back in it

Then Stricken gagged and Caymer stuck it

Euros cried, We keep the Cup! Hugs and bubbly, tears and stogies, we’ll be seein ya

That's why USA found you don't win a Cup at the Funky Cold Medinah

Ya know what I'm sayin

That Medinah's a monster, y'all

Funky Cold Medinah

_AMDG^TM

© 2012 R.E. Kelly