Wednesday, February 29, 2012

John Daly's A Fan - Of The Golf Album

John Daly must have been listening to The Golf Album, because he is all over TGA's parody concept.  At the beginning of the video he says "there's a little golf verse at the end of it" - check it out.   (You should watch the entire video, Long John's patriotic ensemble is breathtaking and the skills aren't bad, considering the mileage on the performer.  But if you must skip ahead, start at 1:57).


There will be more concerning Mr. Daly in a future post.  But, for now, suffice it to say that Daly's musical selection of Bob Dylan's classic,  "Knockin' On Heaven's Door",  and his "golf verse", reveal, at a minimum, a wry sense of humor, given Daly's well-documented personal history.   It may also be said that, despite Daly's best efforts,  Bob Dylan's musical legacy is safe.  (The legacy of Dylan's golf game, should such exist, may be another story).

Speaking of patriotic ensembles, in Ryder Cup history, who is the only American golfer with two major titles to his credit never to have played on our Ryder Cup team?  You are correct, sir.


                                                                   

AMDG

© R. E. Kelly 2012 -2020




Sunday, February 26, 2012

One More Tribute To Arnie

            A number of years ago (in 1988, to be exact) Sports Illustrated ran a great piece by Rick Reilly (yes, that Rick Reilly, now employed by the four-letter behemoth – isn’t everybody? I wish)  about a publinx course near the Blue Hills of Massachusetts named Ponkapoag Golf Club in Canton, Mass., known to the regulars as “Ponky”.   The story featured the history of the course, the many characters who regularly played the course, and, naturally, the gambling that was an integral part of the experience.   
Ponkapoag Golf Club - Home of the Barkie
            The story was hilarious and enlightening.  One exceptionally humorous part of the story described some of the side bets the Ponky regulars had devised to accompany the standard golfing bets, such as the $1 Nassua.  Among most weekend hackers, one wins extra money for birdies, for example.  The Ponky regulars had come up with several hilarious variations on a theme.  One was a barkie, where you get the bonus for making a par on a hole after hitting a tree with a shot.  My favorite was the Arnie, named after The King himself.  You earned an Arnie for recording a par without hitting your ball in the fairway during the navigation of the hole.
            Tiger Woods, of all people, posted an Arnie in the second round of last year's PGA Championship, hitting his ball from tee to fairway trap to greenside bunker to green to hole. An Arnie might win some greenbacks at Ponky, but when that is the highlight of your day in a golf major, then your game has a long way to go.    
Men Only - Like Many Country Club Facilities!
            Of course, one of the standard side bets for any golfer is the sandie.  The sandie,  as you might imagine if you have ever squirmed your spikes into the soft (at private courses) or concrete-like (at most public courses) substance in the traps which line most courses, occurs when a player makes a par by getting down in two shots from a sand trap.  With apologies to Barry Manilow (it is only fitting that we parody a song written by a man that started his long, outstanding musical career playing piano in a public bath in NYC backing up Bette Midler.  In the 70s, that seemed completely normal.  Now, you couldn’t make stuff like that up), the following song is dedicated to those of you to whom a sandie is a fleeting, perhaps unexpected but nevertheless heartwarming companion.

SANDIE

(Mandy- Words and Music by Scott English and Richard Kerr; Publishers Morris Music Inc.; Screen Gems-Emi Music Inc.

I remember all my shots
Raining down as soft as ice
A shadow of a game
A ball through a window
Crying in my beer
The night goes into

Morning, just an awful game
My opponents have their way
Standing in the trap
I swing from memory
I never realized
How happy you made me, oh Sandie

Well you came and you sank no more raking
And I sent you away, oh Sandie
And you kissed me and stopped me from putting
And I need you today, oh Sandie

I'm standing with this wedge of mine
Swung  away when turn was mine
Shot up in a swirl, ball uphill climbing
The dirt is in my eyes
And nothing is dropping, oh Sandie

Well you came and you sank no more raking
And I sent you away, oh Sandie
And you kissed me and stopped me from putting
And I need you today, oh Sandie

Lessons are a dream
Now I face the music 
Buried in the sand 
The club is falling, oh Sandie

Well you came and you sank no more raking
And I sent you away, oh Sandie
And you kissed me and stopped me from putting
And I need you today, oh Sandie

********

            One postscript about Arnie. I grew up in the New York area, and have been fortunate to have been in a number of places over the years in New York and elsewhere in which celebrities have passed through on their way to here or there.   And I have read about people in such places giving an ovation to the star as he or she passed through.  But I have only actually witnessed it once.  One year my friends and I were in the Men’s Grill (Men Only!) in the clubhouse at Westchester Country Club during the Westchester Classic eating lunch.  There were about 30 or so members and perhaps even a touring pro in the room (Julius Boros would hang out in the Men’s Grill after his round was over on a regular basis)  and Arnie walked through on the way to his car.  Everyone dropped their food and drink and burst into applause.  And, as you might expect, the King, ever gracious, smiled and waved strenuously to his small cadre of fans on his way out the door.   Long Live the King!

AMDG

© R. E. Kelly 2012 -2021

Saturday, February 25, 2012

The King

            While the golfer of today could not have been present at the creation of the game of golf, many of us were witness to the birth of the modern game.  For many golfers, the ritual of the modern game, the shared sense of community with millions of other golfers, has lifted golf to a level higher than a game, if not to the level of a religious experience.   Every religion has its spiritual leader.  From the Pope to the Dalai Lama, most religions seem to focus their mantle of authority on one person.  Golf's spiritual leader is also its secular leader and King, a rare combination in modern times that does not also involve totalitarian rule.  Golf’s King, of course, is none other than Arnold Palmer.
The King
            When I was a young boy the best golfer on the planet was Arnold Palmer. I was too young then to appreciate the historic extent of his contribution to the game.  And while perhaps not the greatest player in golf history, he might have been the most important one, because he was the steward of the game of golf from its roots as a limited, country club experience to the mass exposure and popularity the modern game enjoys today. 
            Not only were his skills great, his personality and charisma also made him a swashbuckling golf hero to many fans who were just beginning to understand and play the game.  Not one to sit on a lead, Arnie would charge from behind, hitting shots out of impossible lies with an aggressive, powerful  swing that finished with a curious, high twist (not a finish you would teach to a youngster nowadays).  Once his swing was done, Arnie would hitch up his trousers and lead a charge down the fairway and up  to the top of the leaderboard, as Arnie’s Army followed and cheered every shot, urging him to “charge” toward victory.   (Arnie’s Army is hard to fathom today.  Huge crowds would follow Palmer around the course, cheering their hero as he boldly shot his way around the course.  Woe betide those fans, and sometimes competitors, who stood in the Army’s way.  Other golfers popular at the time had their following, complete with alliteration, like Lee’s Fleas (for Lee Trevino.)  But nothing topped Arnie’s Army.   Back then, keeping with the trend, what would Tiger’s gallery have been named, Tigers' Tails?  (Oops, better not go there.)
Not The King
            The modern equivalent of Arnie’s Army might have been the crowds who in the past followed Tiger Woods.  I attended his AT&T event in Washington several years ago, waiting at a green a few holes ahead of his playing group.  As he played closer, the fans began to move along ahead of him, like a rising tide gradually pushing waves higher up the beach, that ebbed once he had played the hole and moved on, leaving the same, diminutive crowd around the green, like beached seaweed or sun-bleached driftwood, to watch the rest of the professionals play through in Tiger’s wake.  How things change.
            Arnie pulled off what is arguably the most famous come-from-behind win in golf history at the 1960 U.S. Open, coming from seven strokes (and 14 players) behind at the start of the final round to beat a 21-year old amateur named Jack Nicklaus, “The Hawk” Ben Hogan, the leader Mike Souchak and other notables.  Arnie also won the 1960 Masters Tournament by coming from behind and birdieing the last two holes to move past Ken Venturi to victory.   (Venturi would cement his place in golf legend by winning the 1964 U.S. Open at Congressional Country Club, playing 36 holes in blistering 100-degree heat and humidity on the final day, wracked by heat exhaustion and dehydration, nearly dying in the process. The picture of him trudging down a steamy Congressional fairway with a wet towel draped over his head on the last day is a sports classic.)
            Both Palmer victories corresponded to the burgeoning growth of sports in general and golf in particular on television.  The year 1954 marked the first national television coverage of the U.S. Open. CBS began its television coverage of the Masters in 1956, and added coverage of the PGA Championship in 1958.   And the classic Wide World of Sports television show, bringing you the thrill of victory, the agony of defeat, and the human drama of athletic competition, began broadcasting in 1961, bringing clips of the Open Championship to America before ABC began broadcasting the tournament in America in 1966.
            Overall, Arnie finished with 92 professional victories, 62 of them coming on the PGA tour, the fifth-highest total all-time.  He won 7 majors, donning the Green Jacket four times, the British Open two  times and the US Open once.  He won the U.S. Amateur in 1954, and five majors on the Senior Tour.  Palmer never won the PGA Championship, but as a consolation prize he has had a delicious beverage named after him, as well as receiving the adulation of millions of golf fans.    
The Drink Of Champions
            But the numbers, as impressive as they are, simply don’t tell the story, because the telegenic, personable and hard-charging Palmer burst into the homes and hearts of the golfing world, and became one of the most famous (and wealthy, due to his commercial endorsements) athletes in the world, while at the same time ushering the game of golf into the modern era and simultaneously into the Golden Age of the game.  It can be argues that, as a result of his popularity, the game of golf experienced a boom during the decade of the 1960s that it has not experienced either before or since.  According to research conducted by the National Golf Foundation, approximately 3,800 golf courses were built in the ‘60’s, a good four-iron more than in any decade since and almost a quarter of the number of courses that exist today.   Perhaps most telling, the courses built in the 1960s were mostly affordable public courses, not the high-end, daily-fee courses you see being built nowadays.  The common man, inspired by his hero Arnold Palmer, now could hitch his own pants and storm around the local golf course, unlike in prior eras.  And he did so in droves, with the growth rate of golfers calculated by the NGF to be three to five times higher in the 1960s than in any decade since.
            Not satisfied with being the Father of the Modern Game, Palmer was the impetus for the creation of the Senior Tour (known as the Champions Tour since 2002) as well.  Arnie’s presence alone guaranteed crowds at the early Seniors events, events that most older golfers avoided like the plague, not wanting to be associated with “geezer golf”.  Arnie thrived on the Senior Tour, winning five senior majors.  The Senior Tour thrives today, thanks in large part to Arnold Palmer.
            Part of his aura was his confidence and his positive approach to the game.  As Arnie said in his book, Go For Broke, “"Yes. You must play boldly to win. My whole philosophy has been based on winning tournaments, not on finishing a careful fifth, or seventh, or tenth." The next quote summed his philosophy to a tee, if you’ll pardon the pun:  Asked about taking a reckless shot, (which to most golfing mortals he would do on a regular basis) he said “In 18 years of tournament golf I feel I've never tried a shot I couldn't make."  Most athletes have an unswerving belief in their abilities; the great ones are correct in their assessment of the extent of their own abilities, and Arnie was one of the greats.
            As is the case with the passage of time and the laser-like focus on the “now” by the media and most of us regular humans, Palmer, now that he no longer plays the game on any tour and has receded gently out of the spotlight, does not seem to get the tremendous acclaim or credit that he should for his leading golf into the enormous popularity it enjoys today.    Even his well-chronicled bout with mortality and prostate cancer did not seem to bring him the awards and encomia he most assuredly deserved.  Being awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom, this nation’s highest civilian honor, one of only two golfers to receive this prestigious award (Jack Nicklaus is the other), while remarkable, just doesn’t seem enough.
            While America seems to have a nasty habit of waiting for its stars to die before heaping the proper acclaim on their heroes, I don't want golf fans to make the same mistake here.  There will never be another Arnold Palmer, so let’s give The King his proper due, today, although the following suggestion hardly meets the standard of the tribute he truly deserves.    (Someone with a lot more juice than me – read:  just about anybody)  will have to organize the following tribute, but here’s the concept:
And A Great Humanitarian
            Rent a golf course, with a finishing hole built for a huge gallery.  We have one right here in the D.C. area, TPC Potomac at Avenel Farm (nee TPC at Avenel).  It would be perfect in every way.  The course was originally crafted as a perfect stadium golf facility, designed for hosting a PGA Tour event.  It was taken off the market for a few years, refurbished and reopened in 2009 to entice a tournament back to the place.  And the course would bring back fond memories for Arnie.  The King made back-to-back aces on the par-three third hole prior to the start of the 1986 Chrysler Cup. During a practice round on Tuesday, Palmer, the captain of the U.S. team, made a hole-in-one with a five-iron on the then 182-yard hole. The next day was the pro-amateur event and Palmer, again using a five-iron, made a one -- the first time that back-to-back aces were recorded on any professional tour.
          Make a day of it.  You could sell 25,000 tickets easily at $100 a pop in this golf-crazed market.  Cover expenses- the rest goes to charity.  (Make sure to include one of Arnie’s causes in his amazing network of charities as a beneficiary.)  Sell the rights to the highest bidder, who could run the tribute until the end of time on its video channel.  The entire event would be great for a good cause, honoring a man who truly deserves it – unlike most modern athletes, he has never done anything to insult or besmirch either his reputation or the integrity of the game.             
           Open the gates at 10:00 am.  Set up skills demonstrations by any pro that wants to be there.  Import some of Arnie’s contemporaries.  Fly in Jack, Lee, Gary, Tom, all the legends.  Set up video screens with the highlights of his career all over the course.  Set up the food tents, beverage tents, tchochke tents and of course, the air-conditioned corporate tents.
Our Arnie Marches On
          Later in the day, move to the live testimonials.  And then as the sun slowly sinks to the horizon and crepuscule sets in (more on the French motif in a second), cue the lights and lasers for a brilliant son et lumiere spectacular.  Line the fairway with all the spectators and turn everyone’s attention to the top of the hill of the 18th fairway.  The spotlight shines, and there in the light is Arnie, the King, hell, the Emperor, alone at the top of the hill against the setting sun, save for his chosen family member on his bag.  Let Arnie wave to his adoring fans, then begin the long stroll down the 18th fairway slowly, down to the green in the stadium setting, ringed by a raucous sea of golfing humanity.  Let Arnie’s Army, in full throat, 25,000 strong, raise their voices to the sky and cheer their leader one more exultant time.  Let the acclaim of the crowd roll over him like the Pacific surf as he stands on the green embraced by his fans once again, the noise settling on him with Nature’s grace,  like dew on the grass on a cool summer morning in Latrobe, PA.  Then, let the choirs sing out his everlasting praise.

The Battle Hymn Of The Re-Publinx
(Battle Hymn of the Republic by Julia Ward Howe)

Mine eyes have seen the glory
of the coming of his horde
They are tramping down the fairways
Where the King of Golf has scored
He hath hitched his fateful trousers
on his terrible swift charge,

His Army marches on.

Chorus:
Glory! Glory! Hallelujah!
Glory! Glory! Hallelujah!
Glory! Glory! Hallelujah!
His Army marches on.

I have seen him as he's cheered on
by ten thousand circling fans,
he has builded Golf, the modern game
as one of its great champs
We could guess his righteous scoring
by the din of roaring fans;



His Army marches on.

Chorus:
Glory! Glory! Hallelujah!
Glory! Glory! Hallelujah!
Glory! Glory! Hallelujah!
His Army marches on.

I have known of Arnie's gospel
Writ in burnished irons of steel
Arnie has so few condemners,
Because his grace is real;
Let the golfers born of woman
regard him as the ideal;

His Army marches on.

Chorus:
Glory! Glory! Hallelujah!
Glory! Glory! Hallelujah!
Glory! Glory! Hallelujah!
His Army marches on.

He has always played a golf game
that never sounded a retreat;
While graying hair means higher scores
his legend grows replete.
Oh! Be swift, my soul to answer him,
be jubilant, my feet!
Our King is marching on.

Chorus:
Glory! Glory! Hallelujah!
Glory! Glory! Hallelujah!
Glory! Glory! Hallelujah!
His Army marches on.

(Solemnly now)
In the beauty of St. Andrews
Golf was born across the sea
With a glory in Her bosom
Golf transfigures you and me;
As he played to make golf holy
let us sing on the first tee,


While Arnie marches on:



Glory! Glory! Hallelujah!

Glory! Glory! Hallelujah!

Glory! Glory! Hallelujah!

Our Arnie marches on.


AMDG

© R. E. Kelly 2012 -2021

Sunday, February 19, 2012

The Birth of the Game


            Many folks believe the venerable game of golf was invented in Scotland, on the marshlands known eponymously as “links” nowadays (i.e., land that linked the lower wetlands abutting various seas and firths with higher, dry land.  St. Andrews, the course generally accepted as the home of golf, still serves as the common area by which the locals cross from the town to the beach bordering on the gloriously-named Firth of Forth.) 


His head started it all!
            Other theories abound.  One has it that Native Americans developed the game, then were rushed off the golf courses by the white man whose manifest destiny was to secure desirable tee times wherever possible in this great nation of ours.  Others trace the game to the Norsemen, who while plundering Europe would knock balls of ice around with horns (or other round body parts) of reindeer.  The prehistoric paintings found in the caves of Lascaux show Neanderthal cavemen worshipping the goddess of fertility by offering burnt offerings of stick-like objects bearing a distinct similarity to cleeks and mashie niblicks of a later era. (Smarter than cavemen, I don’t think so – the commercials are right!)   J.R.R. Tolkien, the genius who brought us the Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit, described the birth of the game in the first chapter of The Hobbit thusly;  “Old Took's great-grand-uncle Bullroarer...was so huge (for a hobbit that is) that he could ride a horse. He charged the ranks of the goblins of Mount Gram in the Battle of The Green Fields, and knocked their king Golfimbul's head clean off with a wooden club. It sailed a hundred yards through the air and went down a rabbit hole, and in this way the battle was won, and the game of Golf invented at the same moment.”

            Some even surmise that interplanetary alien beings brought the game with them from other planets.  These visitors from outer space, obviously from more advanced societies, landed in Scotland, were feted by the locals with heaps of haggis, after which the aliens hightailed it to the safety of space in a gaseous haze, leaving behind the tools of the game as a means of torturing humans in the same fashion as they had been tormented at the Scottish dinner table, presumably sans single malt whiskey, or they would have never left.  (The Truth Is Out There!)

            But actually the game has been around since the dawn of man.  The Golf Album Movie will recount in detail the earliest history of the game.  In the meantime, suffice it to say that our earliest ancestors, often depicted as of smaller brains and much lesser intelligence, were smart enough to be the first upright walkers to be addicted to the game:

Homo Dufferus Played Through Here
            Think Olduvai Gorge, a million years B.C.  The hot arid wasteland surrounds a rocky watering hole.  The dinosaurs are long gone, but many prehistoric animals lounge in the area around surrounding the pool.  Man's ancestor, Australopithecus, is most prominent.  The large hominids sit in a group, the mothers watching their babies.  The larger males wander around, looking for trouble. 

            One monkey finds a stick, and begins to pound the ground with it.  Beginning to realize its potential, he gets excited, raises it in air and beats the ground, jumping up and down, with the music from Thus Spach Zarathustra slowly rising in the background.  He crushes the skeletal skull of a dead animal, pulverizing it into smithereens.  Proudly he finishes and looks around for the acclaim of his discovery.  But there is no reaction from crowd around watering hole - a few verbal raspberries, several shots of pink monkey rears pointed at the display of violence.  

            Perplexed, the monkey calms down and sits with stick still in hand.  Looking down, he sees a smallish round rock in front of him.  He begins to tap it back and forth, then slowly begins to tap it forward.  The swing gets longer, more rhythmic.  Then, in a moment of inspiration, he hits the rock/ball with a full beautiful golf swing.  Monkeys go nuts, jumping up and down, doing somersaults.  The group gathers round in gallery as he tees up another rock.  Periscopes pop up in back of crowd.  One monkey picks up sticks lying around and carries them like a caddy.  Another monkey utters guttural noises which sound suspiciously like "You Da Man!".  The crowd applauds furiously as the monkey hits another perfect drive out into the desert.  As the group walks off down the “fairway”,  a triple decker driving range can be seen in the background with chimpanzees on all levels pounding away.  And the rest, as they say, is history.

On the other hand,  forget the parody!
             To fully enjoy the following parody, jump forward to a more recent era circa 1986 and picture the late, great  Robert Palmer, in homage to his pioneering music video,  crooning before a foursome of gorgeous models bedecked in pink and white see-through golf gear from head to toe, including plus fours, swinging various unfettered body parts as well as clubs somewhat in rhythm to the beat.


ADDICTED TO GOLF

(Words and Music to Addicted to Love 
by Robert Palmer;
Copyright claimant Bungalow Music N.V.)

The sprinklers on, but you're not home
Your mind is not your own
Your hiney sweats, your booty shakes
Another round is what it takes
You can't eat, you can't sleep
If there's rough, you're in deep
Your grip is tight, you can't breathe
Another round is all you need

Oh, you like to think you're immune
to the stuff, oh yeah
            Its closer to the truth to say you can't get enough
            You know you're gonna have to face it -
            You're addicted to golf

You see the signs, but you can't read
Your swing's at different speeds
Your heart beats in double time
Another loop, and you'll be mine
A one-track mind; you can't be saved
Eighteen holes is all you crave
If there's sun left for you
You will ask to play through

Oh, you like to think you're immune
to the stuff , oh yeah
It's closer to the truth to say you can't get enough
You know you might as well admit it -
You're addicted to golf


AMDG

© R. E. Kelly 2012 -2020

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Introduction To The Golf Album Blog

                                             
                                                              
Golf. Sound out each letter.  G-O-L-F.  Golf.  There. Perhaps the greatest four-letter word in the English language, right up there with “love” and “beer” (“food”, matched with another four-letter word, “free”, is a strong contender for honors as well.)  The word fairly rolls right off the tongue.  Say it, out loud.  Golf.  It hardly matters if spoken with the Scottish burr of its ancient homeland, or the flat American accent of its adoptive friends across the pond;  its beauty rings true,  loud and clear, all the same.

There are some cultural artifacts which, because they are shared by all people, transcend geographical boundaries and link all humanity at its core.  Music is one.  The SI Swimsuit Issue is another.  Golf is a third.   The true international sport, it is played by as many people in as many cultures worldwide as any other game, including the insufferable football or soccer, as it is more accurately and proudly named in the United States.  Words like “fore” and  “mulligan” and phrases like “out of bounds” “free drop” and “it’s in here somewhere, just give me another minute”  are universally understood, the lingua franca of the civilized world.  Golf has even been played on the moon, the largest hazard this side of Saturn's rings (only slightly less terrifying than the 1,200 bunkers at Whistling Straits – watch where you’re walking!).   And golf's popularity grows every day. 

To some golf is a religious experience, a form of athletic worship.  To others it is recreation, an opportunity to commune with nature and friends in the great outdoors for hours at time.  To others it is simply the greatest game of all.  (Conceptually, of course, golf is impossible.  Let's see, you have to take this little round piece of compressed, rubberish material, balance it on a oversized toothpick, swing a four-foot pole with a block of metal at the end, hit the ball four hundred yards over grass, bushes, trees and big holes in the ground filled with sand, and end up in this tiny hole in the ground.  All this in four swipes, er, swings in order to post the correct score.  Right.  Of course, if you only thought of things conceptually, you might never leave your house (or live in one, for that matter).  You certainly wouldn't drive a car, 1,700 pounds of metal connected to the ground only by four metal rims with some rubber stuck on them, travelling at speeds guaranteed to kill you if you wander even slightly off course, or if some other driver, guaranteed to be cognitively impaired either by legal or illegal drugs, limited intelligence or coordination, or texting, hits you.

For most of us however, there is one fundamental element elsewhere common to the human experience that is not found in the golfing experience in its current state.  And that is, a sense of humor.  Simply put, the institution of golf does not have a funny bone.  Face it, the  next time you laugh out loud at a comment  spoken by an announcer during a golf telecast will be the first. I have been to funnier wakes.  (Gary McCord and  David Feherty are by all appearances eminently charming men, but Seinfeld or Chris Rock they are not- not that there’s anything wrong with that.     Yet each is The Man, the gold standard by whom all are judged, when it comes to humor in golf.) 

However, Nicklaus be praised, that will all change as of today. There is a new kid in town and it is The Golf Album Blog.
 
17,000 year old parodies!
The Golf Album Blog will present commentary and stories from golfing days past.  But woven into each blog entry will be a parody of many rock and roll songs which you should recognize, if not know and love.  The parodies will present lyrics in contextual settings for golfers who will, it is hoped, find such lyrics humorous as the golfer substitutes them for the original lyrics. 

All of you should be familiar with the art form of the parody in some form or another.  Parody has an ancient history, dating back to prehistory.  The Cave Paintings at Lascaux in France, painted by Paleolithic artists 15,000 BC (NOT BCE!!), are clearly parodies of comic books popular among the Fred Flintstones of that era.  Moving along in time, many believe the statue of the Sphinx is simply a parody of the ancient pharaohs, whose idea of a practical joke was to take their entire household, living or dead, with them when they passed on to the great pyramid in the sky.  This included their pets.  No wonder the Sphinx is part animal.  Meooww!

The art form truly matured in the Golden Age of Greece, as such writers as Eumenides,  Euripides, and Eupayfordes wrote one brilliant parody after another.  (At least that's what the critics of the time said.  In fact, none of the surviving plays from that era have generated a laugh since Alexander was merely pretty good.)    

The Romans continued the tradition of parody.  Julius Caesar, while busy conquering the known world, dividing Gaul into three parts and creating the salad that bears his name to this day, was also quite the parodist.  Caesar's signature  line, Veni, vidi, vici (translated by most scholars and bored Latin students as “I came, I saw, I conquered”),  was actually a play on vini, weenie, Wiki, classical Latin for “a little wine, a good red hot and a great deal of unsubstantiated information is all you need in life.”  Toga party!

Once the Roman Empire, tired of lions devouring Christians, crumbled into oblivion, the state of parody also declined.  The Middle Ages did little to contribute to the parodic tradition, and the Inquisition and the Black Death, two events that  punctuated the end of the Middle Ages was actually a bummer for most people with a sense of humor.  Fortunately, the human condition brightened with the onset of the Renaissance, and if people weren't busy painting, sculpting or constructing beautiful buildings, they were busy creating parodies.  Michelangelo's David, whose sensuous body has amazed serious art buffs of all sexual persuasions for centuries, was actually a parody of a famous member of the famous Medici family, Lorenzo the Small.  In fact, Da Vinci had just performed his latest parody for La Giaconda, a riotous translation of Dante's Inferno, where the seventh level of Hell is transformed into the first Starbucks, which is why the Mona Lisa is busting such a gut in her famous portrait. (Of course she's smiling. She just quaffed a Quad Trenta Skinny Caramel Macchiato Extra Dry Splenda.)  

I am not a duffer!

After the Renaissance,  parody survived the Protestant Reformation, the Industrial Revolution, Jim Crow, two World Wars, the Nixon Presidency, reality television and The Tea Bag Party  (at least as of this writing.) 


But you will notice, in this brief history of the parody, no mention of golf is made.  That is perhaps because the Scots, known as the inventors of the game, are hardly known for their sense of humor.  (Look up the word “dour” in the dictionary, and a man in a Scotch plaid kilt  will be pictured.)   Visit their country, and you will know why, in a very brief matter of time.  Quick, name a professional golfer with a sense of humor, other than the aforementioned Feherty and McCord (who has been banned from Masters telecast for an otherwise innocuous reference to greens being bikini waxed – in 1994!!  Oh, brother.  Lighten up, o keepers of the green jacket)  You don't associate the barons of industry who play the game with a sense of humor, either.  (It's called the Art of the Deal, not the Art of the Stand-Up Comedian.) 

Fortunately, after eons of solemnity, interspersed with an occasional nugget of humor (the famously funny quote of Roberto de Vicenzo “What a stupid I am”, for example), the Golf Album has come to the rescue and brought laughter and light to the otherwise largely humorless universe of golf. 

The legion of fans of the Golf Album will recognize the format of The Golf Album Blog.  Like reading the break on greens on your home course, the material will be familiar yet still puzzling, instructive and rewarding if read properly (and it always breaks toward the water).  The medium is a bit different, but hopefully at least if not more pleasurable than the album itself. 

Take that, Irving Berlin!
Those of you who have not had the pleasure of listening to The Golf Album will get the idea soon enough.  Parody is the catch phrase here, as familiar songs (at least to you baby boomers out there) have been transformed through the magic of parody into amusing, if not downright hilarious, takes on the most sacred of pastimes, the game of golf.  (Humility, like tongues in cheek, simply abounds here.)  

The format is as follows: Each blog entry will feature an introduction based on the underlying song and perhaps a story recalled by the music followed by a parody, including the new lyrics that parody the original lyrics.  (For a nice, indeed humorous, description of the technique and the legality thereof, check out Irving Berlin et al. v. E.C. Publications, Inc., 329 F.2d 541 (2d Cir. 1964).  Irving Berlin, he of the “God Bless America", “White Christmas" and transposing piano fame (yes, arguably America’s greatest composer couldn’t read or write music!)   versus  Mad Magazine  (yes, Alfred E. Newman himself -- What, Me Worry?)  Talk about a Battle of the Titans – and Humor won!

You will encounter  such favorites as Fairway to Heaven, Suspicious Nines, Four Jerk, 50 Ways To Break Your Putter, and my personal favorite, Hit That Funky Golf Ball, White Boy!  And the hits just keep on coming.

So, Welcome to The Golf  Album Blog, a mere 26 years in the making.

Play away, and Enjoy!
AMDG


Copyright R.E. Kelly 2012 - 2021