All right, gentlemen, let’s get
started. Hear ye, hear ye, with the year 2015 just concluded, the first meeting of The
Golden Bear’s Majors Record Preservation Society in the year 2016 will now come
to order. (Gavel slams on banquet table, drinks spill, another round
quickly ordered and waiters scurry to the bar.) Mr. Hogan, are all the former Majors champions
here?
Yes, Mr. Jones. Well, let me
say that all were invited. Victors of
just one Major were encouraged to stay home, but a few are here. Lucas Glover is celebrating the Clemson win
over Oklahoma and anticipating a national championship as unlikely as his own
in 2009. At least one Tiger still has
claws, at least until it meets the Crimson Tide. Our Welsh friend Mr. Woosnam is over by the
bar, with Y.E. Yang. They represent two nations,
each with one Majors victor. The combined
population of Wales and South Korea is 55 million. The two other countries with one Majors
winner are Canada and France, combined population 101 million. You know the Canadian representative, Mike
Weir, the 2009 Masters champion, but what golfer from France won a major? No, it’s not Jean van de Velde. Arnaud Massy, the winner of the Open
championship in 1907, come on down!
(Interestingly, Massy, the only Frenchman to win one of golf’s majors, also won the first French Open, the first
Belgian Open and the first Spanish Open.
Call it the Slammy de Massy.)
And our triumvirate of young champions is here,
Messrs. Spieth, McIlroy and Day. They
are a remarkable group of young golfers, the top three in the world rankings
and the only three golfers with a higher
point total of 10 in those rankings at the present time (Bubba Watson is 4th
with 7.95 points).) Together perhaps
they might someday come close to accumulating Mr. Nicklaus’s record 18 Major
victories, but they have a long way to go.
Thank you, Mr. Hogan.
So, let’s be brief. Mr. Woods failed to win in 2015, and will be hard
pressed to rediscover his game in 2016 after so many injuries last year. So,
Slammin’ Sammy, the all-time leading tournament winner, are you good?
Yes, Mr. Jones. Safe and sound
with my 82 wins. I believe Tiger will have
a hard time reaching 80 wins now.
Mr. Nicklaus, you of the game with
which I am still not familiar, are you good with your 18 wins?
Yes, Bobby, I am. And seeing a young man like Mr. Spieth demonstrate
such skill and fortitude on the golf course in 2015 brought back memories as
well. He came as close to your Grand Slam as any golfer since Tiger in 2005,
and myself in 1972. And Mr. Hogan, who in 1953 became the first
golfer – other than yourself, of course, to win the first three majors of the
year. Imagine if the Hawk had played the
PGA that year.
I can’t wait to watch that young
McIlroy fella, Aussie Day and Mr. Spieth go at it for the next decade or
so. Rivalries are good for golf. Just ask Arnie or Tom about that.
All right then. We are
convened until we meet again in April at Augusta. By the way, I did not see Mr. Trevino here
today. Is he still out changing in the
parking lot?
 |
This
Isn't Rory!
|
Speaking of
eighteen, the following is a parody of one of Rock’s great golfers, Vincent
Damon Furnier, er, Alice Cooper, and one of his best songs, which, while
an anthem of teen angst, way before its time, perfectly presages Woods’
struggles to break the most impressive of golf’s records.
I'M EIGHTEEN
(Original Song)
Songwriter/Composer:
Michael O. Bruce
Glen Buxton
Alice Cooper
Dennis Dunaway
Neal A. Smith
Publishers
BMG Platinum
Songs US
EMI Blackwood
Music inc.
Ezra Music
Corp.
Third Palm
Music
IN NEED
EIGHTEEN (Parody)
Lines form on
my face and hands
Lines form
don’t get up and down
I'm stuck in
neutral without any wins
I'm a boy and
Jack’s the man
I need
eighteen and I sure know what I want
Eighteen, I
just don't know if I can
Eighteen, I
got to pass the Bear
I gotta get
out of this space,
I'll go
gunnin' at Augusta next, woh yeah!
I've got a
Tiger’s brain, miss my old man's heart
Took
thirty-eight years to get this far
Don't always
know what my swing is about
Feels like I'm
living in the downswing of doubt
'Cause I need
eighteen, I get confused ev'ry game
Eighteen, I
just don't know how to play
Eighteen, I've
got to make my way
Lines form on
my face and my hands
Time squeezes
from the left and right
I'm in the
middle, the middle of life
I was a boy
and now an old man
I'm eighteen
and I like it
Yes I like it
Woh, I like
it, love it, like it, love it
Eighteen,
eighteen, eighteen, eighteen, woh!
I need
eighteen I can’t take it
Yes I need it
Woh, I want
it, need it, want it, need it
Eighteen,
eighteen, eighteen, eighteen, woh!
And I need it
Yes eighteen
And I want it
Yes eighteen
Yes, I need it
Yes eighteen
AMDG
Copyright R.E. Kelly 2102-2017
AMDG
Copyright R.E. Kelly 2102-2017
