My Favorite Condiment? FIGJAM, Of Course

Just Ask Me!

Phil Mickelson has been in the news a great deal lately.  On the positive side, he nearly reached Golf’s Holy Grail, lipping out a birdie put on the 18^th hole which would have allowed him to post a 59 for the first round of the 2013 Waste Management Phoenix Openduring the first week of February.   After that great start Mickelson went wire-to-wire at TPC Scottsdale to win his third WM Phoenix Open and gain his 41st career tour victory. Mickelson finished the tournament at 28-under 256, two strokes off the PGA tour record of 254 set by Tommy Armour III in the 2003 Texas Open.  Mickelson now stands at 9^th on the all-time PGA victories list, halfway to first place Sam Snead’s 82 victories.  (If you need to know, Tiger is second on the list with 75, and, like catching Jack Nicklaus’s majors total, now looks less likely to catch Snead as well.) 

On the other side of the ledger, Mickelson made the news for some off-the-course behavior, complaining about his financial situation.  Specifically, as reported by ABC News, Mickelson said:

 "I'm not going to jump the gun and do it right away," the New York Times quoted him as having said. "But there are going to have to be some drastic changes for me because I happen to be in that zone that has been targeted both federally and by the state. And, you know, it doesn't work for me right now. So I'm going to have to make some changes. If you add up all the federal [taxes] and you look at the disability and the unemployment and the Social Security and state, my tax rate is 62, 63 percent. So, I've got to make some decisions on what to do."

ABC News reported the reaction:

Mickelson's remarks, which weren't specific about what he might do, earned him approving cheers (for having had the bravery to protest higher taxes) and also derisive hoots (for being a whining rich guy who gets paid a fortune for playing golf).

Put me squarely in the latter camp.  Hey Phil, all I can say is, Boo Hoo!  And, by the way, since when is it brave to complain about high taxes?  Rich people have been doing it since time immemorial. 

Mickelson quickly backed and filled, releasing this apology according to news reports the day after his remarks hit the press:

Finances and taxes are a personal matter, and I should not have made my opinions on them public," Mickelson said in a statement released Monday night. "I apologize to those I have upset or insulted, and assure you I intend not to let it happen again."

The People’s Choice went even further two days later, saying:

Put That Driver Away!

‘This reminds me a lot of Winged Foot in 2006, where I hit a drive way left off the tents. So this happened to be way right,’’ Mickelson said, a playful reference to his position on the higher taxes. ‘‘I’ve made some dumb, dumb mistakes. And obviously, talking about this stuff was one of them.’’

Phil’s remarks reveal a great many things, the first of which is that he definitely needs a new accountant if he is paying full boat for his considerable income.  (Last year Forbes magazine ranked Mickelson the 7th highest-paid athlete in the world, earning $47.8 million.) It also reflects the  fact that he’s never appeared to be the most lofted club in the bag.  His candlepower has always been questionable, given his penchant for taking risks on the course and consequently snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.  (His club selection of a driver on the 18th tee at Winged Foot at the 2006 U.S. Open, to which he referred above as his biggest mistake, immediately comes to mind.) 

Lefties are a contradictory lot, anyway.  For instance, while Phil plays golf lefthanded, he is righthanded in all other aspects.  (Same as Mike Weir, another lefty colleague of his.  Go figure.) 

Lefthanders also seem to excel at a far greater rate than their raw percentage of the population would suggest.  Southpaws make up roughly 10% of the population  but excel at a much higher percentage than that.  For instance, five of the past seven presidents, including Barack Obama, have been lefties. 

It is also thought there is disproportionately high incidence of lefties among Nobel Prize winners.  And culturally, lefthanders are also highly represented.  Here are some examples of standouts among the galaxy of successful people across various fields of endeavor (taken with a grain of salt from Internet resources):

Greatest Guitarist Ever

Music:  Jimi Hendrix, Paul McCartney (Paul Simon, Duane Allman, B.B. King)

Art:  Michelangelo, Raphael, Leonardo da Vinci

Thinkers:  Aristotle, Frederick Nietzsche, Ben Franklin

Science:  Marie Curie

Historical figures: Alexander the Great, Joan of Arc and Napoleon Bonaparte. 

Others:  Letterman, Leno, Oprah,

However, the lefthanded dominance is clearly most apparent in sports, as lefthanders make up a much higher percentage of great athletes.   Think Bill Russell in basketball, Rod Laver and  Martina in tennis, Mark Spitz in the pool.  But the sport in which the distinction clearly emerges is baseball.  The list of baseball greats is stocked with lefty legends: Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb (hit lefthanded), Sandy Koufax, Ted Williams (hit lefthanded), Stan Musial, Barry Bonds (OK, he was still great before his head began to inflate), Steve Carlton, Whitey Ford, Warren Spahn (had ten 20-win seasons after turning 30 years old, the most in major league history)  and many others.

So why aren’t there more great lefty golfers?  You can count the great (or near great) southpaws on one left hand:  Bob Charles (the first Mickelson), Mike Weir, and Mickelson.  One reason is that the universe of golf is simply stacked by righties toward righties.   For example, lefty kids were made to switch sides when they started the game either by their right-handed parent or their right-handed golf coach.  And until recently very few lefthanded clubs were even available for youngsters.  But perhaps most significantly, all golf courses, like the world in general, were designed by righthanders for righthanders.  All you righties out there, how many times have you played a dogleg right?  Not too often, right, and when you do, don’t you just hate it?  (Except for you slice machines – move your weight forward a little will you?)  Well, Mickelson has to play almost every hole as a dogleg right.  And he’s won 41 PGA tournaments!  (Quick, name the last amateur to win a PGA tour event.  That’s right, Philly Mick at the Northern Telecom Open in 1991, 22 years ago.) 

Greatest Baseball Player Ever

Then there is the contradiction that, despite (or perhaps because of) their success, there has been an historical prejudice against lefties, since, well, the dawn of handedness.    “Sinister” in classical Latin literally means left, as does “gauche” in French.  “Leftists” are derided by the “right” as being too liberal these days, a heinous designation is there ever was one.  And, in the heavenly realm,  Jesus sits at the right hand of God, not the left, for a reason, not by accident.  (The genesis of this human bias may be scatological in nature, but, since this is a family blog, I will leave the details to the imagination of the reader.) 

One final contradiction.  Mickelson is wildly popular with his huge crowds on the course, especially in the New York area, but apparently not so much among his golfing peers.  A February 2006 GQ article which detailed GQ’s list of the “10 Most Hated Athletes” included Lefty in the inventory.  The article explained that "There are a bunch of pros who think he (Mickelson) and his whole smiley, happy face are a fraud," another reporter says. "They think he's preening and insincere."  GQ also points out that “Mickelson has earned many nicknames on the Tour, but GQ’s  favorite is FIGJAM ...”  Notice those ellipses after "FIGJAM"? The GQ article explained what that acronym stands for, but it contains a word we can't reprint here. But the five words following that first word are "... I'm good -- just ask me." (I'm guessing you know what the "F" stands for.)

So will Mick’s whining about his finances affect his relationship with his rabid fan base?  Not likely.  They’ve bought FIGJAM hook, line and belly putter.  They love Lefty, just ask them. 

LEFTY

Original song;

SUNNY

Songwriter(s): Bobby Hebb

Copyright:   Bobby Hebb 

Lefty, yesterday my round was shot by rain.
Lefty, saw you on the tube, it really eased the pain.
Now the dark days are gone, and the bright days are here,
My Lefty shoots so far under par.
Lefty, game so true, I love you, man.

Lefty, sorry for the bridesmaid bouquets.
Lefty, sorry for the second places in the majors
Five US Opens, six in all

Don’t hit the driver and you won one more.
Lefty, game so true, I love you, man.

Lefty, thank you for the lobs you let me see.
Lefty, thank you for the short game wizardry.
My game was wrecked hitting from the sand,
But you gave me hope You are The Man 
Lefty, game so true, I love you, man.

Lefty, thank you for the smile upon your face.
Lefty, thank you for autographs you sign without fail.
I don’t care if that smile is fake

At least you smile, you give more than take.
Lefty one so true, Yes I love you.

Lefty, yesterday my round was shot by rain.
Lefty, saw you on the tube, it really eased the pain.
Now the dark days are gone, and the bright days are here,
My Lefty shoots so far under par.
Lefty, game so true, I love you, man.

AMDG

 

© R.E. Kelly 2012-2021