The Chili Dip Blues

Just so’s you all don’t think this tremendously clever parodying is entirely someone else’s work, I have an original composition for all you TGA blogfans out there.  It’s called the Chili Dip Blues.

 

Not This...

Now all of you readers should know what a chili dip is (not from firsthand experience, of course – you’ve only seen your buddies hit them.)  For those of you unfamiliar with the term,  a "chili dip" is a slang term in golf that most golfers use to describe chip shots (short shots with a lofted club like a wedge or nine-iron) - that are hit fat.  Hitting a shot fat means you hit the ground far behind the ball with the clubhead, so that you dig up lots of turf and barely hit the ball.   The result of a chili dip is a golf ball that doesn't go very far, possibly moving only a few feet or barely at all. Not a very good shot, in other words, and one guaranteed to evoke guffaws of laughter from the other members of your foursome. 

.... This

The most famous chili dip in recent memory was committed during John Daly’s playoff win in the British Open in 1995 in a playoff with Italian golfer Costantino Rocca at St Andrews. Needing a birdie on the final hole of the tournament to force a playoff with Daly. Rocca's long drive on the 18^th hole was only yards to the left of the green, but his second shot was a disaster, a classic chili dip that moved just a few feet, then rolled into the famous Valley of Sin, a completely embarrassing shot with the whole world watching. Watch Here at 1:25.  Costa’s Chili Special left him with a 70-foot putt from the brink of the Valley for a birdie.  Astonishingly, after chunking the chip like a regular duffer Rocca sunk the miraculous putt to tie Daly and force a playoff, flopping to the ground in celebration and disbelief to punctuate his accomplishment.   But it was not to be Rocca’s day, as Daly won the playoff by four shots.

Now, because this song is an original composition, and the blues are such a personal musical idiom, am not going to lay down a melody for you.  So, be inspired, reach inside that music box inside your head, find those flattened scales, hum a few blue notes, mix in some shuffles and get in a groove. 

Otis, My Man

Bluesman Otis Rush said that “A guy will promise you the world and give you nothin', and that's the blues.”  When you stand over a chip shot ten yards from the green, your dollar Nassua and six sidebets riding on getting down in two, golf promises the hope of victory, it’s right there in your grasp.  But golf gives you nothing, and after you gag yourself into a chili dip, and you’ve blown your match, you got to sing da blues, brother.  And I’ve got just the song.

THE CHILI DIP BLUES

Music by Daniel O'Connell

Lyrics by Robert E. Kelly and Daniel O'Connell

I got the Chili Dip Blues, I got ‘em all day long

I got the Chili Dip Blues' I got ‘em all day long

When I need to hit that wedge so right, I hit it oh so wrong.

I crush a drive, hit it right on the screws I'm gon' take lots of money from these fools

I pull out my wedge and, damn, I got the Chili Dip Blues.

                                                                        Chorus

The wedge is such a magic wand when you hit it right

But, man, it's such a nasty thing when your throat gets tight

And when its fat you know its dat, the divot brings the news

so when the ball's still at your feet, you got the Chili Dip Blues

Walkin’ up the 18th fairway, got 15 yards to the pin

I got to knock it stiff, cause there's five ways I can win

There's tons of trouble off the back, so Lord, please God, don't let me

hit it thin

                                                                        Chorus

The wedge is such a magic wand when you hit it right

But, man, it's such a nasty thing when your throat gets tight

And when its fat you know its dat, the divot brings the news

so when the ball's still at your feet, you got the chili Dip Blues

I took it back, I was cool, no way that I could lose

the wedge came down, hit ball and ground, that god damn divot flew

No way I'm gonna suffer this time, from the Chili Dip Blues

We walk into the clubhouse, where the losers pay their dues

My friends are smilin' at me, they're orderin up all kinda booze

Wouldntcha know, even at the 19th hole, I got the Chili Dip Blues.

AMDG
 

© R.E. Kelly 2012-20222

Hey, Na, Kiss It Goodbye!

Poor Kevin Na.  The man made it to the top of his professions and now appears to have lost it.  (If you haven’t witnessed Na’s difficulties hitting the ball, watch this - but please cover the eyes of the women and children first).  Watch here.

Na isn’t the first person in professional sports to lose the ability to function at the point of pressure.   Baseball is littered with famous cases of players losing the ability to throw the ball, either from the pitching rubber to the catcher ( Steve Blass, Rick Ankiel)  and vice versa (Seven-time All-Star Dale Murphy converted to the outfield because of his inability to throw back to the mound; also see Mackey Sasser).  Steve Sax and Chuck Knoblauch famously lost their ability to throw from their second base position to first base.  

Fore!

In golf, Ian-Baker Finch, who won the British Open in 1991, lost his game shortly thereafter and retired from professional golf in 1997 after shooting a 92 in the first round of the British Open.  (Becoming a famous golf commentator in the wake of the collapse of your game is some consolation after reaching golf’s pinnacle, I suppose.)  

Another variation of Na’s woes were dubbed “the Hubies”  named after successful professional golfer Hubert Green.  Green, while addressing the ball, would repeatedly look up at his target and take forever to pull the trigger.  Sergio Garcia would also grip and regrip his club a dozen to two dozen times before hitting the  ball early in his career.  Garcia eventually smoothed out this nervous habit that threatened to derail his career.   

Yup, He's A Duffer

So here’s hoping that Kevin Na will soon stop swinging like your neighborhood publinx duffer and get his mojo back before it is too late.  Maybe this song will help.

NA NA HEY HEY KISS IT GOODBYE

Original Title: 

Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye

Songwriters/Composers:

De Carlo, Gary

Frashuer, Dale

Leka,  Paul

Publishers:   Unichappell Music Inc.

Karaoke Link:  http://www.myspace.com/music/player?sid=80274451&ac=now

Na Na Hey Hey Kiss It Goodbye

Kevin  Na Na, Kevin Na Na, hey hey-ey, hit the ball

You’ll never hit it, the way you try to hit it

Cause if you don’t stop, no no, you’ll make us all cry

You must be illin' baby cause a- your swing (your swing, your swing)
So dog-gone killin'
So hit it  (I wanna see you hit it. Wanna see you hit it)
Go on and hit it, hit the ball, now

Na na na na, hey hey-ey, hit the ball
Na na na na, na na na na, hey hey-ey, hit the ball

Listen to me now

It's never gonna comfort and cheer you

When all those half swings are makin' baby us roll our eyes

You must be illin' baby cause a- your swing (your swing, your swing)
So dog-gone killin'
So hit it  (I wanna see you hit it. Wanna see you hit it)
Go on and hit it, hit the ball, now

Na na na na, hey hey-ey, hit the ball

Hey hey-ey, hit the ball
Na na na na, na na na na, hey hey-ey, hit the ball
Na na na na, na na na na, hey hey-ey, hit the ball
Na na na na, na na na na, hey hey-ey, hit the ball

AMDG

 DufferImage courtesy of people-clipart.com, here

© R.E. Kelly 2012-2021

Another Passion Of The Game

Putter or Mars Rover?

          In Post 7, A Tribute to Another King, we touched upon perhaps the greatest passion associated with the game of golf, gambling.  A close second is the relationship golfers have with their putters.  It is strangely akin to a romance with a woman.  In fact, the parallels are stunning.  The relationship is initially passionate, engulfing a golfer’s soul with desire, almost beyond description.  (The phrase “Love at First Sight”, first penned by Rudyard Kipling, was almost certainly written to mark the release of the latest hot putter on the market.)

             In such a relationship, every moment spent apart is an eternity.  Of course, it can be frustrating at times, as two souls try to get closer, barriers from relationships past at times slowing the process to an excruciatingly slow pace.  While there may be many uncertain moments, there is one thing you can always count on – it will be expensive!

            A golfer's head may be turned by the look of a new putter,  may be distracted by a new shape, seduced by the new feel, ah, the touch of a new grip, the excitement of the initial performance of a new putter.  But many times when a golfer realizes that underneath it all, his new flame cannot change his life, he returns to his former love, begging forgiveness and the chance to demonstrate his undying devotion if only she will take him back, crawling on his hands and knees, imploring forgiveness. 

Mind If I Play Through?

            On the other hand, that's not to say that sometimes the new doesn’t triumph over the old,  and the parties retreat to the pre-nup agreement citing irreconcilable differences, and many golfers abandon their first love and never look back, or back, or back.  Perhaps the following parable will illustrate this particular principle.  I knew a gentleman years ago that had been married several times.  At this point a  quinquagenarian, he had now graduated to a  marital model that was easily twenty years younger and when I met her, was sporting a tight-fitting leopard-skin outfit that skimpily and expertly accentuated her excellent physique. 

            At some point during  the tour of his home, the upper floor of which he had converted to a discotheque, complete with rotating mirror ball, this business man from South Carolina described the  logistics of divorce and the crucial process of dividing the marital assets.  Such important questions as, who gets the sofa, who gets the big screen. Who gets the china, who gets the crystal.  Who gets the silverware, who gets the dishes.  When all is said and done, though, the big question, as he so gracefully framed it in his best Gamecock accent, is, who gets the “deel-does”   I always laugh to myself when I think of that afternoon in Santee Cooper country and the importance of the distribution of the “deel-does”. 

If you are having trouble moving on to a new relationship, perhaps the following will help.

50 WAYS TO BREAK YOUR PUTTER

(50 Ways to Leave your Lover;

Words and Music by Paul Simon;

Published by Paul Simon Music)

The yips are all inside your head she said to me

And you can cure them if you practice constantly

But if all else fails I still can set you free

There must be 50 ways to break your putter

50 ways to break your putter

She said it's really not my habit to intrude

And I hope my meaning won't be lost or misconstrued

But I'll repeat myself, at the risk of being rude

There must be 50 ways to break your putter

50 ways to break your putter

Just give it a whack, Jack

Drop it in the can, Stan

Crack it with joy, Roy

Just listen to me

Throw it under a bus, Gus Destination Augusta!

Break it over your knee, Lee and set your yips free

She said it grieves me so to see you in such pain

I wish there was something I could do to help you putt again

I said, I 'ppreciate that, then could you please explain about the 50 ways

She said the object is to get it in the cup

Just like in life, in golf, you've got to get it up

Being short is never good, and if the putts refuse to drop

There must be 50 ways to break your putter

50 ways to break your putter

Just give it a whack, Jack

Drop it in the can, Stan

Crack it with joy, Roy

Just listen to me

Use a blunderbuss, Gus

Blast it to Augusta

Heave it up in a tree, Lee

and set your yips free.

AMDG

 

© R.E. Kelly 2012 - 2021

What Time’s the Next Swing Plane to Augusta?

Elin's Swing Coach Is Next

What is it with great athletes always tinkering with their swings? Tiger’s swing angst is well (if not over) documented.  His last swing coach has even written a book about, well, Tiger’s swing, and his desire for a SEAL of approval.  (A book from Elin Nordegren’s swing coach, is eagerly awaited, but most likely not to be published any time soon.) 

Tiger is not the first great athlete in a sport involving swings to tinker with same.  Baseball’s Cal Ripken Jr. was famous for adjusting his swing constantly.  Rod Carew, one of the modern era’s greatest hitters, adjusted his stance in his own words “from at-bat to at-bat or pitch to pitch.” (But he never moved his back foot.)  In the golf world, swing coaches have made small (or large) fortunes helping golfers get their swing adjusted. (Whether the new swing is better is another story.) 

Golf's No. 1 Still Tinkers

Still, it was a surprise to read that another prominent golfer has been working to adjust his swing.  Not just any prominent golfer, but Rory McIlroy himself, the current top-ranked golfer in the world and the guy who last summer destroyed a Congressional course in the U.S. Open that the members had spent several years preparing specifically to bring golf’s best players to their knees.   

            The AP reported on February 16^th of this year that:

Rory McIlroy is confident the changes he's made to his swing will work in time for the Masters in April.  The 22-year-old Northern Irishman has been working with longtime coach Michael Bannon on improving his swing setup.  “I still feel it's going to take a couple more weeks to fully click in,'' McIlroy said Wednesday. ``But it's definitely on the right track.''

McIlroy opened his season by finishing second in Abu Dhabi and fifth in Dubai last week, when he revealed he'd been working on a ``few fundamentals'' in his swing.

``Posture was one of the key things, and just a little bit of swing plane,'' McIlroy said. ``I was setting the club a little steep on the way back, so the club was getting a little bit across the line at the top.

``So Michael and I have been working on me getting more feel, and getting the club pointed a little more left at the top so it's on the right plane. That's basically it.''

``Hopefully, there will be a day when it all clicks and it comes easy to me,'' McIlroy said. ``As for the time being, I still have plenty of swing thoughts I am thinking about out on the golf course.''

Maybe Next Year, Rory

After crushing the field at the Honda Classic during the first week of March this year, his first (of many) green jackets seemed a foregone conclusion as he headed to Augusta.  However, McIlroy must have been thinking about his swing plane (and maybe his forehand -  See here),  as he played his way around Augusta this year at five over par, tying for 40^th place with none other than Tiger Woods, among others.  (He also must have been distracted at the TPC last week, as he failed to make the cut for the third time in three tries.)  

In the meantime, never having to think much about my own swing plane, I wonder what it’s like to leave the old swing behind, someone you’ve been together with forever (or at least for a couple of years). There must be some conflicting emotions at leaving the old girl, er, swing behind.  It must go something like this, in the words and music of the late, great John Denver (a linkster and a fellow parodist -  Watch Here  in a song made famous by the nonpareil Peter, Paul and Mary. (Why aren't PP&M in the Rock and Rock Hall of Fame, by the way?  Come on, Joan Baez in, Peter, Paul and Mary still out? Watch here, and you be the judge.  How many years, indeed.

Title: Leaving On A Jet Plane.

Words & Music:  H. J. Deutschendorf, Jr. (John Denver)

Copyright Claimant: Robbins Music Corporation (PWH)

All my clubs are packed, I'm ready to go
I'm standing here, can’t wait no more
I got to wake you up to say goodbye
The dawn is breakin', it's early morn
The swing coach's waiting, his meter’s on
Already I'm so happy I could cry.

Chorus:
So kiss me and smile for me
Don’t bother to wait up for me
Don’t hold me, please just let me go.

‘Cause I'm workin’ on my swing plane
Don't know if you’ll be back again
Oh, babe, you have to go.

There's so many times you let me down
So many times I've duffed a round
Because of you, I’ve lost tons of bling
Every course I play, I won’t think of you
Every time I swing, I won’t swing like you
If I come back, it means I’ve lost everything.

Chorus:
So kiss me and smile for me
Don’t bother to wait up for me
Don’t hold me, please just let me go.

‘Cause I'm workin’ on my swing plane
Don't know if you’ll be back again
Oh, babe, you have to go.

Now the time has come to leave you
One more time let me kiss you
Then close your eyes, and I'll be on my way.
Dream about the days gone by
When on the backswing my elbow flies
About those faults, I will gladly say,

Chorus:
So kiss me and smile for me
Don’t bother to wait up for me
Don’t hold me, please just let me go.

‘Cause I'm workin’ on my swing plane
Don't know if you’ll be back again
Oh, babe, you have to go.

AMDG

© R.E. Kelly 2012-2021