Another Passion Of The Game

Putter or Mars Rover?

          In Post 7, A Tribute to Another King, we touched upon perhaps the greatest passion associated with the game of golf, gambling.  A close second is the relationship golfers have with their putters.  It is strangely akin to a romance with a woman.  In fact, the parallels are stunning.  The relationship is initially passionate, engulfing a golfer’s soul with desire, almost beyond description.  (The phrase “Love at First Sight”, first penned by Rudyard Kipling, was almost certainly written to mark the release of the latest hot putter on the market.)

             In such a relationship, every moment spent apart is an eternity.  Of course, it can be frustrating at times, as two souls try to get closer, barriers from relationships past at times slowing the process to an excruciatingly slow pace.  While there may be many uncertain moments, there is one thing you can always count on – it will be expensive!

            A golfer's head may be turned by the look of a new putter,  may be distracted by a new shape, seduced by the new feel, ah, the touch of a new grip, the excitement of the initial performance of a new putter.  But many times when a golfer realizes that underneath it all, his new flame cannot change his life, he returns to his former love, begging forgiveness and the chance to demonstrate his undying devotion if only she will take him back, crawling on his hands and knees, imploring forgiveness. 

Mind If I Play Through?

            On the other hand, that's not to say that sometimes the new doesn’t triumph over the old,  and the parties retreat to the pre-nup agreement citing irreconcilable differences, and many golfers abandon their first love and never look back, or back, or back.  Perhaps the following parable will illustrate this particular principle.  I knew a gentleman years ago that had been married several times.  At this point a  quinquagenarian, he had now graduated to a  marital model that was easily twenty years younger and when I met her, was sporting a tight-fitting leopard-skin outfit that skimpily and expertly accentuated her excellent physique. 

            At some point during  the tour of his home, the upper floor of which he had converted to a discotheque, complete with rotating mirror ball, this business man from South Carolina described the  logistics of divorce and the crucial process of dividing the marital assets.  Such important questions as, who gets the sofa, who gets the big screen. Who gets the china, who gets the crystal.  Who gets the silverware, who gets the dishes.  When all is said and done, though, the big question, as he so gracefully framed it in his best Gamecock accent, is, who gets the “deel-does”   I always laugh to myself when I think of that afternoon in Santee Cooper country and the importance of the distribution of the “deel-does”. 

If you are having trouble moving on to a new relationship, perhaps the following will help.

50 WAYS TO BREAK YOUR PUTTER

(50 Ways to Leave your Lover;

Words and Music by Paul Simon;

Published by Paul Simon Music)

The yips are all inside your head she said to me

And you can cure them if you practice constantly

But if all else fails I still can set you free

There must be 50 ways to break your putter

50 ways to break your putter

She said it's really not my habit to intrude

And I hope my meaning won't be lost or misconstrued

But I'll repeat myself, at the risk of being rude

There must be 50 ways to break your putter

50 ways to break your putter

Just give it a whack, Jack

Drop it in the can, Stan

Crack it with joy, Roy

Just listen to me

Throw it under a bus, Gus Destination Augusta!

Break it over your knee, Lee and set your yips free

She said it grieves me so to see you in such pain

I wish there was something I could do to help you putt again

I said, I 'ppreciate that, then could you please explain about the 50 ways

She said the object is to get it in the cup

Just like in life, in golf, you've got to get it up

Being short is never good, and if the putts refuse to drop

There must be 50 ways to break your putter

50 ways to break your putter

Just give it a whack, Jack

Drop it in the can, Stan

Crack it with joy, Roy

Just listen to me

Use a blunderbuss, Gus

Blast it to Augusta

Heave it up in a tree, Lee

and set your yips free.

AMDG

 

© R.E. Kelly 2012 - 2021