The Golden Bear’s Majors Record Preservation Society 2014

All right, gentlemen, let’s get started.  Hear ye, hear ye, the 2014 Masters Tune-a-ment  having now been concluded, the first meeting of The Golden Bear’s Majors Record Preservation Society in the year 2014 will now come to order.  (Gavel slams on banquet table, drinks spill, another round quickly ordered.)  Congratulations to all, good work in the Masters, especially you seniors. Mr. Langer, you makes us all proud.  Mr. Snead, are all the green jackets here?

Yes, Mr. Jones.  All seventeen players with two or more green jackets are here, except for Mr. Woods, Mr. Mickelson and Mr. Watson.  Bubba that is.  He’s at the Waffle House, celebrating with a Toddle House omelet, with a side of hashbrowns “all the way”.  (I like mine smothered in sausage gravy.)  Hope Mr. Watson doesn’t mind that his waitress is a lesbian, and a sinner.  You make eighteen, Mr. Jones

Thank, Mr. Snead.   So, let’s be brief.  Mr. Woods did not participate in my tournament this year, so, Slammin’ Sammy, are you good?

Yes, Mr. Jones.  Safe and sound with my 82 wins.

Mr. Nicklaus, you of the game with which I am still not familiar, are you good?

Yes, Bobby, I am.

All right then.  We are convened until we meet again in June at Pinehurst.

I'm An Eighteen

Speaking of eighteen, the following is a parody of one of Rock’s great golfers, Vincent Damon

Furnier, er, Alice Cooper,  and one of his best songs, which, while an anthem of teen angst, way before its time,  perfectly presages Woods’ struggles to break the most impressive of golf’s records. 

I'M EIGHTEEN (Original Song)

Songwriter/Composer:

Michael O. Bruce

Glen Buxton

Alice Cooper

Dennis Dunaway

Neal A. Smith

Publishers

BMG Platinum Songs US

EMI Blackwood Music inc.

Ezra Music Corp.

Third Palm Music

IN NEED EIGHTEEN (Parody)

Lines form on my face and hands

Lines form don’t get up and down

I'm stuck in neutral without any wins

I'm a boy and Jack’s the man

I need eighteen and I sure know what I want

Eighteen, I just don't know if I can

Eighteen, I got to past the Bear

I gotta get out of this space,

I'll go gunnin' at Augusta next, woh yeah!

I've got a Tiger’s brain, miss my old man's heart

Took thirty-eight years to get this far

Don't always know what my swing is about

Feels like I'm living in the downswing of doubt

'Cause I need eighteen, I get confused ev'ry game

Eighteen, I just don't know how to play

Eighteen, I've got to make my way

Lines form on my face and my hands

Time squeezes from the left and right

I'm in the middle, the middle of life

I was a boy and now an old man

I'm eighteen and I like it

Yes I like it

Woh, I like it, love it, like it, love it

Eighteen, eighteen, eighteen, eighteen, woh!

I need eighteen I can’t take it

Yes I need it

Woh, I want it, need it, want it, need it

Eighteen, eighteen, eighteen, eighteen, woh!

And I need it

Yes eighteen

And I want it

Yes eighteen

Yes, I need it

Yes eighteen

Woh, I want it

I need eighteen

And I want it

Yes eighteen

Woh, I want it, need it, want it, need it, want it, need it, want it

I need it

I need it

I need it

                                                                                         

_AMDG^TM