All right, gentlemen, let’s get
started. Hear ye, hear ye, with the 2014 Open Championship concluded and
the 2014 PGA Championship about to begin at the aptly-named Valhalla Golf Club, the third
meeting of The Golden Bear’s Majors Record Preservation Society in the year
2014 will now come to order. (Gavel slams on banquet table, drinks spill,
another round quickly ordered.) Mr. Hogan, are all the former champions
here?
Yes, Mr. Jones. No bridesmaids
were invited, so Mr. Garcia, the new King of the Bridesmaids (we hardly knew
ye, Mr. Mickelson), is not here. I am
not one given to speechifying, but we wish Mr. Garcia good luck this week as he
seeks his first win in a Major tournament.
He’s not likely to win, given Mr. McIlroy’s presence in the field, but some of us who favor underdogs will be
rooting for him anyway.
Thank you, Mr. Hogan. So, let’s be brief. Mr. Woods withdrew from Firestone last week
and is questionable to participate in this tournament this week, so, Slammin’ Sammy,
are you good?
Yes, Mr. Jones. Safe and sound with my 82 wins.
Mr. Nicklaus, you of the game with
which I am still not familiar, you and Rory, are you good with your 18 wins?
Yes, Bobby, I am, although that
young McIlroy fella is beginning to
worry me. If he wins this week he’ll
have four majors at age 25, same as me. He
could be the real threat, not Tiger, with his bad back at his advanced golf
age.
All right then. We are convened until we meet again next
week. Let’s see how the golf gods welcome the new king, Rory.
 |
| This Isn't Rory! |
Speaking of
eighteen, the following is a parody of one of Rock’s great golfers, Vincent
Damon
Furnier, er,
Alice Cooper, and one of his best songs, which, while an anthem of teen
angst, way before its time, perfectly presages Woods’ struggles to break
the most impressive of golf’s records.
I'M EIGHTEEN
(Original Song)
Songwriter/Composer:
Michael O.
Bruce
Glen Buxton
Alice Cooper
Dennis Dunaway
Neal A. Smith
Publishers
BMG Platinum
Songs US
EMI Blackwood
Music inc.
Ezra Music
Corp.
Third Palm
Music
IN NEED
EIGHTEEN (Parody)
Lines form on
my face and hands
Lines form
don’t get up and down
I'm stuck in neutral
without any wins
I'm a boy and
Jack’s the man
I need
eighteen and I sure know what I want
Eighteen, I
just don't know if I can
Eighteen, I
got to past the Bear
I gotta get
out of this space,
I'll go
gunnin' at Augusta next, woh yeah!
I've got a
Tiger’s brain, miss my old man's heart
Took
thirty-eight years to get this far
Don't always
know what my swing is about
Feels like I'm
living in the downswing of doubt
'Cause I need
eighteen, I get confused ev'ry game
Eighteen, I
just don't know how to play
Eighteen, I've
got to make my way
Lines form on
my face and my hands
Time squeezes
from the left and right
I'm in the
middle, the middle of life
I was a boy
and now an old man
I'm eighteen
and I like it
Yes I like it
Woh, I like
it, love it, like it, love it
Eighteen,
eighteen, eighteen, eighteen, woh!
I need
eighteen I can’t take it
Yes I need it
Woh, I want
it, need it, want it, need it
Eighteen,
eighteen, eighteen, eighteen, woh!
And I need it
Yes eighteen
And I want it
Yes eighteen
Yes, I need it
Yes eighteen
Woh, I want it
I need
eighteen
And I want it
Yes eighteen
Woh, I want
it, need it, want it, need it, want it, need it, want it
I need it
I need it
I need it
AMDGTM
Copyright R.E. Kelly 2012-2014
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